Thursday, March 27, 2014

A Failure to be “Critical in the Right Way”

The following satirical piece was written and posted on Adventist Today Blog. It was pulled after five days. I was informed that I was not being “critical in the right way.”

I consider it significant that I was not asked to document my reference to “threats made,” which I was prepared to do. However, my main objective was to demonstrate that the church’s fundamentalist position regarding what happened in the Garden of Eden, according to the second creation myth, does and ought to inspire fear and make its use legitimate theologically. But that’s not what we really believe, right?

In my opinion, Adventist theology has taken on a strong, officially supported flavor of fundamentalism under Ted Wilson’s leadership, and I believe it bodes ill for the church. I welcome your comments.

For Whom the Memo Tolls
by Andy Hanson

Author’s Note
This partially shredded conclusion to what appears to be an official memo was discovered along with other trash blown against a chain link fence behind a dumpster at GC headquarters. Who wrote it or received it is not known. Once again, the source is anonymous and the authenticity of this fragment cannot be verified.

Page two

And while you’re at it, inspire a little fear.

Remind them that they have been encouraged to share privately recorded conversations with church authorities and report heretical behaviors of other church members.

Remind Adventist university presidents that it’s only “biblical truth” that sets anyone free.

Remind those folks employed in our Department of Religious liberty that “religious liberty” is an oxymoron, particularly when it comes to defending the rights of those LGBT perverts.

Remind colleagues that if they have serious doubts about the Fundamental 28, they are in danger of forfeiting Eternal Life and are potential candidates for at least a moment or two in the Lake of Fire.

These “reminders” can be boiled down to the following warning: “Do what God tells you to do. He doesn’t mess around. He made it crystal clear that the inability of the first humans to follow orders condemned YOU and everyone you love to die by one of the following: drowning, starvation, war, disease, childbirth, fire, tsunami, infection, poison, genocide, infestation, persecution, gun violence, suicide, accident, and murder.” And if anyone isn’t sure how to obey God today and eventually get to Heaven where these things can be avoided, an Adventist theologian or some other church authority has the answer.

To be even more succinct, remind them to FEAR GOD and don’t forget, He’s insulted if you claim to be an Adventist simply on a profession of faith, or, in the millennium jargon of one reprobate, “doing your best to make Jesus proud of you.”

Appended handwritten note:

For your eyes only
Encourage Bill Knott to continue to “taint” Rachael Maddow but
lay off Hannity,* he and our new prophetic voice, Ben Carson, are buds.

*Assumed that this reference is to Bill Knott’s editorial, Tagged and Tainted, Adventist Review, February 13, 2014.


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